Closed
by curingboredom
Summary: Because Naruto would do anything for ramen-even Sasuke. And Sai is not above anything to understand emotions. SASUNARU OOC One-shot


Really, I don't even know what this is. Just a huge unbetaed mess.

**Disclaimer: **If Naruto was mine it would be a hard yaoi.

**Warnings: **Uh, not so much. Nothing graphic really. Just a really strange person sharing a really strange story she wrote. Not really any spoilers unless you haven't watched the first couple episodes of Naruto which really leads me to wonder what you are doing reading a fanfic about an anime that you haven't even watched.

* * *

It was the beginning of the apocalypse-the absolute end of the world. Zabuza was rolling restlessly in his grave and one villager swore he had heard the sound of laughter coming from the Hyuuga clan house.

Hyuugas never laughed-they cackled.

God almighty, the squirrels had finally stepped up the evolutionary ladder and were ready to avenge their acorns. Naruto squeezed his eyes shut, willing all that he had seen to evaporate from his mind. It just couldn't be. It wasn't even remotely possible that—

"N-Naruto-kun...are you a-alright?" stuttered his companion, breaking him from his inner turmoil. Hinata worried for her secret (obvious to everyone but him and Shino's dead flies) crush-he looked like he had seen the presumably dead Uchiha Itachi yet again (though with the sheer amount of times the man had been resurrected, wasn't far from possible).

Naruto's inner diva scoffed and raised the bird high in the sky. Alright? ALRIGHT!? How could he possibly be alright when everything that he had ever lived for-his hopes, his dreams, his FUTURE was stripped from his hands. Oh, what he would give to have it all back again, the glorious days of his everlasting love affair, just one more heavenly moment with his lover... And yet here the blonde stood gaping at what had stripped everything that he stood for from him with just one word:

Closed.

Ichiraku Ramen was closed for the day and with that the blonde's cerulean eyes rolled back in an impossible angle as he fell to the ground.

* * *

Dark, onyx eyes gazed intently at the scene before him. Yes, it was all going to plan. It was hell convincing that old man-Tuna? Taco? Ah, yes, Teuchi-to close down for a day but it would prove to be worth it. He rubbed his hands together letting out an uncharacteristically loud laugh. His blonde dobe would soon be his...

A cabbage peddler dressed in green slowly backed away from the maniac raven. He had just moved to Konoha away from the benders and there was just no way he was risking his precious cabbages. Not today bitches, not today.

* * *

Sai really didn't know how it had come to this. In an attempt to understand the feelings of a certain Sharingan wielder, he had tried to recreate the Uchiha massacre.

He really didn't know what he had done wrong. Sai had followed the instructions of his book to a tee. Yet, when he had tried to show the fruits of his hard labor to Sakura, she had pummeled him to the ground calling him an "insensitive jerk." And when he had pulled out his book, "Understanding the Brooding, Homocidal Emo" to show her that what he was doing was a completely legitimate process, she had pummeled him again.

Sai logically decided he would have to resort to simply observing the Uchiha lest he get beaten half to death yet again.

Which meant he got blood on his special edition blow-up Itachi doll for nothing... Damn.

* * *

Naruto was absolutely convinced that it was the start of the end. No matter, he was well prepared. He could survive this. After all, all he had to do was open up his super secret drawer of Heaven and there waiting for him would be—

Nothing.

_What?_

Naruto rubbed his eyes and looked back at the drawer. His expression turned murderous. Where was his ramen?

Suddenly, he came to a startling realization. There was only one logical reason for the disappearance of his treasures:

His ramen had run away.

How could he have not noticed it before? The only one to blame was himself, really. He had been neglecting his lovers in favor for Ichiraku and in turn, they decided to leave him. Naruto dropped to his knees.

"WHYYYYYYYYYY! RAMEN COME BA—"

"Dobe."

Naruto slowly turned his head towards the voice that had interrupted his wails. As recognition of the stranger dawned on him, he lunged and grasped tightly onto the stranger's leg.

"Sasuke-teme…help me…" Naruto gasped as tears streamed off his face.

"…" was all Sasuke said as he kicked the poor remains of a human off of his leg.

Somewhere far away, Shino cursed as even his signature line was stolen from him.

"B-but—"

"I know. That's why I brought this," Sasuke interjected, dangling an innocent package of instant ramen from his fingers.

Naruto roared as he lunged for the beauty only for his face to introduce itself to a foot.

"Not so fast. Don't think that you're getting anything for free, usuratonkachi."

Normally, the teen would respond in a violent manner but this was RAMEN. As far as Naruto was concerned, Sasuke was a ray of light shining in a cave of darkness.

"S-Sasuke…Please…I'll do anything, ANYTHING for just a bite of that ramen!"

"…Anything?" Sasuke inquired slyly, the beginnings of a grin spreading onto his usually stoic face.

Naruto nodded furiously.

"…Hn," was the only audible response Sasuke made as he dragged the unsuspecting boy to the bedroom with a grin rivaling that of Jiraiya.

* * *

"TEME WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

"Shut up."

"WHY ARE YOU TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF! NO WAIT WHY ARE YOU TAKING OFF MINE! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU BASTARD!"

"…"

"I NEVER AGREED TO—Ahh~~NO MY VIRGINITY I WAS SAVING IT FOR SAKU—Ohhh~~!"

"…..HNGH."

Sai quietly observed the scene from his spot on a tree near Naruto's apartment. He didn't quite understand as to how the two could go from pulverizing each other's guts to fucking each other's brains out. And so, wishing to cling onto what was left of his self-proclaimed sanity, he decided to focus on the one thing he did understand:

Naruto's dick really was small.

* * *

**~FIN**

Well, to be fair, I did warn you. Anyways, review if you liked it, hated it, or even if you don't really have anything to say. Seriously, I'll be happy if you even post a review that says "this is a review."

Ah well this seriously was fun and strange to write, but I have so much free time on my hands these days. I don't really have any conventions until ALA which is next year so I've really been slacking on my cosplays though. HAHA. Oh well.

Love you all!

~**curingboredom**


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